perfectionism and minimalism

These past couple of years have felt like a personal reckoning for me. I don’t know if it is turning 40 or a post-pandemic awakening, or the fog lifting from the intense early parenting years but old patterns and ways of thinking that seemed to be working for me suddenly stopped working. More than anything what came up in therapy for me was that my perfectionism was running my life. I thought I had tackled my perfectionism in my twenties but apparently it has been quietly ruling my professional life this whole time.

Perfectionism

I have found that my perfectionism persists in scenarios where I feel I need to be achieving, like work or even this site. I put pressure on myself to succeed and success to me is only perfection and zero criticism. Which if you have worked in the design world or existed in any way on the internet, you know that this is an impossible goal. I can’t please everyone all the time and my work can’t exist without some feedback or dissenting opinions. So if my only goal is a perfect outcome that is essentially unachievable. I then I find myself often frozen, afraid to create or move forward for fear of failing. Furthermore, when I do get the nerve to do the work or create the thing; I am always looking for the evidence that I ultimately failed. Despite support and encouragement from many I will focus on the one or two negative comments/feedback as confirmation that perfection was yet again not reached and that in fact I am “not good enough”.

With my therapist, we examined my relationships and family life and determined that I am much kinder and flexible and forgiving in my mothering. I allow myself to make mistakes and apologize and try again. Same with my romantic relationship, I generally believe I am doing my best. So why can’t I afford myself anything less than perfection when it comes to work and business?

Minimalist-ish

So while I have been trying to dismantle this thinking pattern in my everyday life and work, it also got me thinking about our home and my desire for a calm and clean and minimal space even with kids. Does this crossover into the dangerous territory of trying to achieve perfection? I think this is why I have always rejected calling myself a minimalist as it felt limiting and a label that I could fail at. Having fewer things, limiting our belongings to only what is beautiful and functional and necessary, has been work but mostly rewarding and joyful work. And I surprise myself by not extending this impossible standard of perfection to our home. I see our home as a living, moving, changing space to hold who we are now as a family and who we are becoming. If a closet or a drawer or room gets out of control and overflowing with mess and excess it’s just something to be dealt with and solved, not a failure by me to make a perfect home. I’m sure there are moments when I fall into perfectionism in our home too but I’m relieved it isn’t the overwhelming driving feeling.

I mostly find perfectionism in my home rearing it’s ugly head when I try something new like designing our new couch and obsessing over every detail, being fearful of making a “mistake” and then taking it hard when the couch is not for everyone and they let me know. Again, my own impossible standard of designing a sofa for our unique family and space and then wanting it be universally accepted. I share our home to help others, to normalize small city-family living and as a creative outlet but I have found the sharing to get wrapped up in wanting external validation. I find that is why I often wait to share things in our home until I am fully comfortable with my choices. I know this isn’t the way the internet works and everyone wants dramatic reveals and in-process content but I have found I need the extra time to make sure I can take the feedback. Oh and don’t even get me started on what it took for me to convince myself to hit publish on the Kids Rooms, and sharing them: A Guide.

I am not entirely sure why I felt the need to share this publicly, except to be open and vulnerable. So if you are also struggling with perfectionism or impossible standards I hope you can give yourself grace and patience. I hope that you don’t see a messy or cluttered home as a personal failure and I hope you know you are enough. And I hope I believe that soon too. Because imagine what we can accomplish if our time isn’t spent shaming and blaming ourselves. And beyond accomplishments, the peace and calm that can come without constant striving for impossible standards.

Currently reading: The Gifts of Imperfection By Brene Brown
Audio Book: The Perfection Trap By Thomas Curran